you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
