I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize