There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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