I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
