I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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