I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
