The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
