we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
