you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
