my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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