I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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