I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think im going to throw up on grandma
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
