Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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