dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
