i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
