He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
