If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
