new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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