it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she pinky promised me she was 18
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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