I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize