thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
