did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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