Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
