he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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