I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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