Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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