i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Randomize
