When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
