sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
