I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
