I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Randomize
