watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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