Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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