Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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