4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
