Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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