When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
