Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
