The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
