I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
