after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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