wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
