I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
