I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
