sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
