I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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