do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
