I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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