im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
