Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
