Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
