i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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