Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Your penis caused this!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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