My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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