Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
