I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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