when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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