nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
