then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
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