I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
